But what is this thing we call responsibility? Many things come to mind, such as duty or obligations, reliability and dependability, or just "getting the job done." George's irresponsibility was costing him his marriage and had cost him financial losses, chaos, a lack of stability, and unrealized dreams. In psychological terms, they are not "egocentric"-thinking that they are all that matters and that people around them exist only to meet their demands and needs. They consider the consequences of their behavior on people around them before they act. A lack of boundaries keeps these behaviors going.Ī loving person recognizes that the world does not revolve around him or her. Many other impulse problems-such as sexual acting out, overspending, food or drug abuse, and rage attacks-end up destroying love as well. But still they drink, and although, like George, they love, the effects of their lack of ability to say no to alcohol ends up destroying the relationships they care about. Their drinking greatly troubles them, and they feel horrendous guilt. Many alcoholics, for example, have great love for their families. Loving people are able to control their impulses. This does not feel very loving, no matter how much the offender says he cares. A controlling person steps over the line and tries to possess the other. Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who could not hear the word no? How did you feel? Typically one feels controlled, manipulated, and resentful instead of respected and loved. Moreover, loving people respect the boundaries of others. For George to become a truly loving person, one whose love actually made a difference in the lives of others, he was going to have to become a responsible person. He was now in a relationship in which the one he loved also had requirements for him, and things were falling apart. Consequently, he did not see any negative effect on his loved ones when he did not perform.īut marriage was different. When they did give him chores and responsibilities and he did not deliver, they would not discipline him, thinking that they wanted him to have "positive self-esteem" rather than the "guilt" with which they grew up.
As a result, they indulged him and required very little work from him. But having gone through the Depression and a lifetime of hard work, they did not want George to have to struggle as they had. His parents were fine, hardworking people. George had never been required to deliver the fruits of love when growing up. Janet was only going to believe in action, not just talk about love. He needed to develop boundaries to gain the self-control that would make him a responsible person. If George was to have a chance of winning Janet back, it would not come through one more empty promise. She feels very unloved because of what you have put her through." Love without the fruits of love is really not love in the end. All she sees is the effect your behavior has had on her and the children, and she asks herself, 'How can he love us and treat us this way?' You cannot just say you love someone and not deliver. "But in reality, I don't think that she sees your love. And after several family disruptions because of his failures, Janet had had enough. Bosses loved the talent but hated the performance. But he had lost several good jobs because of his irresponsibility and inability to follow through. A very talented person, George seemed to have everything he needed for success. His wife, Janet, whom he loved deeply, had just moved out because he had lost another job.
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